Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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