those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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