I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I wear drunk well.
Randomize