Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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