hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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