I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
