I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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