She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
