I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
