In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
