The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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