She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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