Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
