you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
