I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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