I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
