So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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