At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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