Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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