update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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