I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
this is an emotional support booty call
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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