My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just blew my weed a kiss
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
