If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
