I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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