I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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