what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
