I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize