see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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