i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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