coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
