allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
