I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize