peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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