My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
