I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize