I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
