there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
