do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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