I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
