did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
