I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
