she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
