Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
