sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
