im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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