I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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