Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
