I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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