her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
