I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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