What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
