I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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