Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
