Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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