i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
