You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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