That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
