that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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