I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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